‘My parents-in-law didn't want to help’: when bringing up baby becomes a battleground

Extracted from It Takes A Village: And Other Essential Truths For New Mothers, curated by Peanut, the global network connecting women navigating fertility, pregnancy and motherhood

Tension with family members crops up all the time for women still navigating the new territory of motherhood. Perhaps there are open disagreements with your parents or in-laws that have escalated into arguments. Or it could be an unspoken mood, a snide comment or endless unasked-for advice.

If you do have support from family, whether from parents, grandparents, siblings or in-laws, then it’s pretty likely that by now you’ve had a few tetchy words, possibly even rows over caring for your baby or your approach to family life. After all, you’ve been tired for months now and your baby still needs you round the clock. Your patience gets used up dealing with your child’s needs. There might not be much left over for your mum if she never stops telling you how different it was in her day. The first few years of motherhood are a perfect breeding ground for conflict with your nearest and dearest. Take a deep breath and let us help you to feel a little better about it.

Adriana is from Brazil and lives in Lisburn, Northern Ireland, with her husband and their two-year-old daughter. They met in London but decided to move back to her husband’s hometown when she fell pregnant. Adriana’s in-laws were enthusiastic about becoming grandparents and said they were happy to help with childcare, so that the couple, who both do shift work, could carry on working. Unfortunately, the situation quickly turned difficult.

‘I got the feeling that my parents-in-law did not actually want to help us,’ says Adriana. ‘I imagined that it would be a lovely thing for them to spend time with their first grandchild, but they seemed to view it as a task that we were trying to push on them. Even before I went back to work, if I was sick and asking my mother-in-law to be with our daughter for the day so I could rest, she would refuse. Her attitude seemed to be, “I managed four kids by myself. And you cannot even manage one.”

‘It got really bad when I decided to take a home-based job working online rather than going back to the factory. They refused to help with any childcare at all, saying I didn’t need help since I was at home. I found it so upsetting. The job was almost full-time hours and I wanted to do it, so I tried to make it work, but it was hard. When my husband’s sister had her own baby, the reaction and the treatment was very different. Nothing was too much trouble. I felt I was being treated completely differently. It was upsetting for my husband as well. He felt it very deeply. For me, the contrast with my family in Brazil made it even more painful. Over there, the extended family is a big thing and grandparents are generally happy to help out. It’s not a job; it’s a pleasure to be part of caring for their grandchildren. So perhaps some of these difficulties are cultural. I don’t know.’

Adriana and her husband felt deeply let down because they thought his parents were enthusiastic about being hands-on grandparents and the reality turned out to be different. They believed they had an understanding, but somewhere along the line, the communication had broken down.

Negotiations with family always depend on good will, clear communication, empathy, understanding, flexibility, honesty and commitment, but that’s especially true when it comes to the people you hope will support you and your family at this challenging time. The stakes are high and tensions and resentments are never far from the surface. Not every situation revolves around a big question like childcare, but even seemingly smaller issues often tap into deeper fears and old insecurities.

For Adriana, the conflict was especially painful because she perceived it as unfair – she was not being treated the same as her sister-in-law – and also because it underlined the difference with her own parents and made her miss them even more.

There are so many emotional currents swirling around when we get into difficulties with family, but not all of them are really anything to do with us. When two or more family groups come together around a new child, interactions are likely to be complex, especially if there are opposing values and other cultures at play. Lots of people tell us about difficulties over how to discipline children, for example, or grandparents favouring one set of grandchildren over another. Disagreements and resentments can cause friction throughout the wider family.

Sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is try to step back and see the bigger picture from as many points of view as possible, though it’s not always easy to be empathetic when tempers are running high. Adriana has been able to do this with support from a therapist, who has helped her to see that certain expectations are affecting how she and her husband view his mother’s behaviour. ‘Even when we’re adults ourselves, we expect perfection from our mothers,’ says Adriana. ‘But my mother-in-law is a human being who has a different relationship with her daughter than her son. She feels like giving more support to her, as they have a stronger bond. I’m learning not to expect and not to compare how my in-laws treat us. My husband is still processing. I try to help him with that.’